UNMOTIVATED.
…just as the title says. Not sure why, but for the past year or two I’ve been feeling like this. I use to be able to walk around for hours just for the sake of getting out of the house. Now my mindset is “why should I leave the house, there’s nothing out there for me.” . I’m not sure where this mindset came from but I don’t like it. I also can’t seem to get rid of it either. I try get motivated and do stuff but it only lasts a couple days. The thing that motivates me most is having friends around or family, but like in my last past about friends having less and less time to hang as we get older, that’s not something that happens to often though.
Soon as it warms up a little more. I’ll be swimming in the lakes, going to pow wows, not working this horrible job(easy job but it’s repetitive) biking around, going for jogs. That’s how I am every summer. I think maybe I’m just getting to comfortable, there’s nothing keeping me on edge, nothing challenging me. I use to be a boxer and mixed martial artist but i’ve lost the passion for that. I use to be homeless, but now I’m not. I use to live with a mentally abusive father who was a very good father but just had an extremely short temper and could never admit his own faults, always had to blame someone :/ i think I need that mean attitude around me to function though. Sounds messed up but I’m not the type who can be motivated and goal orientated if everyones nice and helpful. All my life i’ve had adversity in it so now all this peacefulness is unmotivating me. Nothing to negative I mean i just need a reason to work hard again. I’m grateful for my mom and sisters and family and the little friends I have left but, I just need something to push me. Maybe if I try hard enough I can create that drive for myself. I’ve never been able to push my self past my limits. always needed help. Maybe this time I can do it.
idk these are just thoughts. idk who even reads these but it doesn’t matter, i kind of hope no one does because these are my personal thoughts and it’s nice to post stuff someone where no one says anything.
Sunny day out. Maybe i’ll go sit in the grass.
Thoughts…
…I can’t remember what it’s like to have close friends.
I mean I have close friends, but not CLOSE friends like hang out everyday or at least a couple times a week. I miss that. I think that’s what I dislike most about aging. The loss of contact between people. Especially people I would really enjoy having around. I don’t usually enjoy alot of people but the few that understand you and vice versa, where the most random times spring up out of no where..that’s the kind of people I like having around, but those people that use to help create that adventurous side of life don’t come around as often.
I miss them. I miss my close circle of friends. Everybodies slowly looking more like strangers now.
Can’t wait for summertime.
It’s the only time that I can be outside all day and night, feel alive and where technology and modern day thinking and people are far off in the distance out of sight and view.
and there I am. Exploring nature, patience and humility, completely at peace with not a thought in mind. Only feelings of positivity as my senses take it all in.
Can’t wait for summertime.
One of them strange videos that I can’t stop watching. O_O
UNIQLOCK x POLO (U-min no kokoro) (by dancexdanstream)
(Source: scribbles-on-pictures)
(Source: observando)
WHAT’S BEEN ON MY MIND AS OF LATE…
Lately things haven’t been on the most positive of vibes. More so within myself.
There’s an old story about two wolves, a black one and white one. Representing negativity and positivity. Which ever wolf you feed the most, will be the energy you put out the most. I’ve been feeding the negative wolf most…but more so this world has been fueling that food I been giving to it.
Everything about this modern society, is tearing me apart..I wasn’t made for this time era. My spirit is an ancient one trapped in the body of a modern day native man. If there was a way back to when the buffalo ran free in plenty and my people lived peacefully and off the land, with the land, respect for the land and all that is natural and positive to it..I would take that road back to those days. This world isn’t for me and I don’t think I will ever be happy in this place. Recently there are only a few reasons I can feel any sort of happiness. My nieces and nephews, so full of joy and pure love for everything around them. My family, who even when we don’t get along, will always be there for me and I for them. Now a women, who i’ve yet to meet, has come into my life. Though I don’t know how this will turn out or what to expect, or how long it will last. I’ve come to find a connection with her that I have yet to feel in my life…maybe once before, but still this is different. I’m having doubts because of the distance and my troubles with making money to make these trips to see her, but I’m still confident we will meet someday. As said before these moder times take the spirit from me and leave me with nothing but negativity to feed the dark wolf within me, but with her I feel a sense of adventure and home. Like with her, I will find that feeling of being back in the old days, I will feel that sense of connection with everything around me because since we’ve started talking I feel so much more positivity and it reflects to the world around me. She is strong and her will is great. She inspires me whenever we talk. How could I not want to do everything I can to travel across the globe to a different continent just to be with her. Words in this english language can’t even begin to describe what I want to say, it’s to bad my mohawk language has mostly been lost to me, I could say everything I wanted to say. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not happy in this world, everything about it makes me want to die. The reasons that make life feel worth living, however, is for my family, the survival of my culture and the connection, and for this women..strange to feel so strongly about someone you’ve never met. Even now other women are fighting for my attention, beautiful women. As tempting as it is, I can’t do it because spiritually I feel no connection stronger than I feel with this women. It’s an untraveled road with lots mystery and unknown difficulties but…for her it’s worth the journey. As long as she’s in my life I feel like maybe, this world ain’t so bad. Who knows, maybe someone will invent a time machine and me and her can go back to the old ways. Maybe our chemistry, connection, whatever you wanna call it, just maybe that alone will allow us to travel back to the old days, or at least feel the connection that was felt back than.
Thats just a few thoughts in this mind of mine.
Morning Theft.
Time takes care of the wound
So I can believe
You had so much to give
You thought I couldn’t see
Gifts for boot heels to crush
Promises deceived
I had to send it away
To bring us back again
Your eyes and body brighten
Silent waters, deep
Your precious daughter in the
Other room, asleep
A kiss “Goodnight” from every
Stranger that I meet
I had to send it away
To bring us back again
Morning theft
Unpretender left
Ungraceful
True self is what
Brought you here, to me
A place where we can
Accept this love
Friendship battered down by
Useless history
Unexamined failure
But what am I still to you
Some thief who stole from you?
Or, some fool drama queen
Whose chances were few?
That brings us to who we need
A place where we can save
A heart that beats as
Both siphon and reservoir
You’re a woman, I’m a calf
You’re a window, I’m a knife
We come together
Making chance in the starlight
Meet me tomorrow night
Or any day you want
I have no right to wonder
Just how, or when
You know the meaning fits
There’s no relief in this
I miss my beautiful friend
I have to send it away
To bring her back again.
